Yeah I know, negative nelly is my name
I don't know how I'm going to survive another 11 months here. Oh my God is it that long? It's not that the program itself is all that bad, a little redundant to say the least, but not horrible. It's just the feeling of being trapped back in this city again. Yes, huge cidiot snob, but it's not even just London, it's this whole country. I've already spent 4 years of my short life in this town that I mostly hate. It can be really fun- great bars, university lifestyle, favourite post-bar foods- but then there is always that horribly suffocating feeling that it's all closing in on you and you can only walk the same block over and over again being plagued by things you thought you'd left behind.
I'm so dramatic, I know. Maybe this is why I'm more than a little determined to leave behind everything familiar. I want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone and I don't see a single thing that has any memory attached to it. I want to live somewhere where I experience something new every single day and something that makes me smile. I feel the same negative way about Toronto. People seem to think "wooow Toronto, big time" which I guess makes sense if you have lived in a small town your whole life but I feel like it's just a pretend New York or L.A. where everyone acts like they are some indie trendy cosmopolitan drinker. I'm just not into it. I don't know what has happened to make me hate it here so much.
Maybe it's because every time I'm in Toronto I'm doing something really stressful. Like when I was in high school- wasn't a huge fan of private Catholic school, and when I worked downtown in the summers- not so relaxing. And I just feel like I go for a run through my neighbourhood and go back through this cycle of, wow I am doing the same thing over and over every single day.
When we landed again in Toronto after being in Italy I looked outside the plane and it was so bleak I was actually overcome. Granted the airport overlooks Mississauga so that isn't all that flattering, but seriously, it just make me want to cry. I'm just having a breakdown that I have to be here for so much longer. I just need to get out. Even though I did have a great weekend with old friends- maybe it's a case of the Mondays?
I have three weeks off in August so I must escape at some point. Vegas? the real London? British Columbia? Who knows, but I will be okay. oyyyy. Look how big the world is and how small a part of it I'm trapped in?!
I was walking home in the sun today and I began thinking about a lot of things I've been reading lately. Don't worry this post won't be too long- I've already spent half my day in front of a computer doing an irritating assignment.
I was reading Stephanie Nolen's book last night, 28 Stories, and I also caught an article of hers from Monday's Globe and Mail. She made me think about how brutally hard it is to live in certain parts of the world. I think that statistics say that about 90 percent of the world live in extreme poverty- with intense climates, food shortages, no health care, and terrifying political situations, while 10 percent live in the comfort and prosperity I enjoy every day. I'm not trying to generalize, but I suppose that anything I just said is pretty much that, but it just seems like our lives in the Western world are so simple. I know they aren't all the time. There is depression, loss, illness and a million other stressors in Canada, I guess it just seems so easy in comparison.
The third story in Nolen's book was about a truck driver in Kenya. She travelled with the man across the country and her story filled me with memories of Ghana. I don't think it's as extreme as many of the other African countries but it seemed to have some very similar elements to what her story told. The lack of water and power for long periods of time, horrible,if any facilities, the scary prospect of eating unknown foods. Hell, I really admire her for reporting the way she does. It takes a lot of guts to get in the car of a truck driver and go into the night with them, and potentially risk your life and at least live uncomfortably for a few days, just to get a story. It made me feel a little sheepish for complaining about having to talk to locals in Barrie to get information for an article.
I have been reading a lot lately about people who report in war zones and politically unstable climates. I admire these people, while asking myself, what are they doing it for? Are they doing it for personal gain, for the sake of their careers or because of a true passion for the people they are writing about?
I guess with all this journalism talk, and all of these stories about horrible life-threatening diseases it has got me thinking that it takes some real balls to go into such a profession (pardon my expression). Nolen reported on a South African town that had highly infectious and deadly drug-resistant TB. The very fact that she had pictures and one-on-one sources means that she probably visited this place and this clinic. That is extremely risky behaviour to be quite honest. But I admire her because if she hadn't how would people ever know about it? It is hard to live in a hot climate, where water is most definitely not clean, and where you are exposing yourself to diseases that are virtually non-existent in the Western world. I guess it is just scary to me, but also so full of possibilities. Trying to gain some courage to do the things I always dreamed of without getting scared away. That's all for now.
Oh, and the day was sunny today and I downloaded some of the hip-life, high-life and Ghanaian reggae that Aziz gave me and it was so awesome to go out on a great hot day and just enjoy it. Reminds me of some great times. And some great friends...
Newsworthy Idealism
There are many things that I want to get out of my Journalism Master's program. I am still so excited for what the future holds. It seems like many journalists are very jaded about the profession and I'm sure I will be, but right now I expect so much. I don't want to forget why I went into this program in the first place.
I want to travel, explore and learn new things.
I want to thrive in my instability.
I want to use my neutrality as a reporter to expose the indignities of the world.
I don't want to end up settled in Canada immersed in politics, bullshit, and my own frustration.
I have to remember why I am doing this- to tell stories, to use my writing skills, to meet people, to travel, and to learn.
Whenever I read the newspaper I am so drawn to the international news. Anything that has to do with the new Northern Ireland political situation, or Somalia or Uganda instantly catches my eye and I quickly bypass the many paragraphs of Canadian political gripes and scandals. I guess news is all situational- some people are interested in a local news story about a pickpocket because that is their reality, that is what they live in and for.
I suppose I am simply a Canada snob at this point. I don't want to stay in Canada, and I don't know why but the news from here just doesn't seem important in comparison to things that are going on everywhere else like wars, genocides and children dying of AIDS.
So, that's all for now. Nothing new besides a little idealism.
P.S. That prof I met with at Carleton was in the Globe and Mail for his genocide book! Ordering it online as we speak, pretty nerdily excited.
