A fine mess of contradictions

Sundown

posted by Kate @ 8:51 PM 0 comments

....is a highway

Every time something doesn't work out I feel like running. Like I don't really have anyone or anything stable anyways so I might as well hop on a plane, get in a car, throw some things in a pack and just run. I find it to be much easier than having to face this sort of imminent doom of eventually being alone or uncertain. Because if you never stay in one place you can blame it on that. A lot of people do. And when I have good days I can see why people stick around. Because you could have weekly plans, a set date with a set activity, a specific corner of a specific bar where you meet every saturday night with old friends. That always seemed so terrifyingly static to me but maybe it could feel really comforting. But when I have bad days I figure why bother? Nothing is here for me so I might as well just keep on moving.

Like a vagabond who plans on escaping reality for as long as possible. There are lots of them wandering around and I always wonder about them, how they keep moving, when they will slow down.

I think that's what's so amazing about travelling. You instantly bond with the people around you because you're stuck on a ferry, or on a plane, train, tro-tro and everything is new and different all the time so it's exciting. But it's also exhausting. I wish I was feeling well enough to go somewhere but at this point I can barely make it to work every day.

I just miss the feeling of being utterly alone and yet not, because around the next corner is another backpacker, another beautiful sunset over a different land, and then suddenly you're more alone than you've ever been in your life, thousands of miles away from friends and family but you're so complete and so happy without any of it. It feels like true freedom. There is no panic to fill your life with plans because you are somewhere outside of it all.

posted by Kate @ 2:35 PM 0 comments

The Lovely Life Detox

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting.


So this summer is obviously the summer of detox. Hell, Oprah's doing it and so am I. But it's not just a liver detox where I sip tea with lemon juice and do a little abstaining. This is a whole other anti-toxin revolution that has thus far lasted over five weeks. Sound pretty easy right? Well it's really not. It's a "no bad things" life change that I seriously don't want to do but I seem to have no other option.

You see, I would love to do the following: DRINK. Yes, drink a lot. Beers to be exact. To go out, drink beers, take shots, down some classy wine, fall over maybe, follow all of that up with some pizza or poutine, pass out and wake up and go for a greasy breakfast. Hell and then maybe do it all over again.

Follow that up with some chocolate, cookies and a bag of candy. But alas, my body has decided that though I could do this for years, it will take no more. It is having none of it. So after feeling terrible and being incapacitated by this sickness for months now- since January to be exact- I have decided since no doctor can fix me or figure out what's making me so sick I must go about fixing myself with the help of a naturopath and a lot of health books. Thus far it is involving a lot of vegetables, rice, beans, nuts, vegan food and well, things that taste like dirt but don't make me feel like curling up in a ball and dying.

Instead of just fixing my body though, I've decided to fix a lot of other things as well. Like people and things that make me unhappy. I'm cutting them out. If they make me feel bad they can get the hell out of my life. I'm tired of caring about people, being trusting and then bam it all goes to hell, so screw it, they're out too. Hopefully as my body learns to live without sugar my mind will learn to let go of the other negative things as well. I told myself almost three years ago that I will not accept bullshit. I still don't and thus have made my life a lot harder but I also think a lot better in the long run. So I'm sticking to that as much as I can. I have some truly amazing people in my life and my recent time at home has made me realize that.

In the past few years I feel like I've been pushing myself so hard that I've kind of just run myself into the ground. So I'm trying to relax a bit, do hot yoga, take really long walks with my dog, read, go out dancing and drink lots of green tea. And for once I'm actually fully unpacking, which to me is really weird. I also have a huge list of books I've been meaning to read and am finally getting around to doing it. I've thus far read What is the What- an amazing, amazing story about a Lost Boy from Sudan, and a ton of other books. I'm starting on Love in a Time of Cholera, can't wait for Late Nights on Air and am plowing through a variety of hilariously dumb books that make me laugh on my way to work. I also have to get on the huge list of classics but I need a bit of a break first. I've also been working my way through my stockpile of magazines and newspapers. I brought home about 50 Globe and Mail's from school and went through them in one weekend up north. I strangely enjoy reading the news again now that I don't have to for school. I also now love listening to the CBC and perusing the pages (for FUN!) of the Economist, Vanity Fair, Vogue (the SJP photo shoot in the most recent issue is breathtaking), and pretty much anything else I can get my hands on.

So that's what's new. Cutting out toxic people, things, foods, and reading, seeing old friends and generally enjoying the sunshine.

posted by Kate @ 10:08 PM 3 comments