A fine mess of contradictions

Oh the irony of this blog's title

So, I know I need to write more. It's fully necessary and I need to get my writing going again. If you don't use it you lose it right?

Basically I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Again? Oh yes. This always happens to me. My life direction is never clear. It's exciting but it's also terrifying. Like if I choose the wrong path I may end up somewhere terrible, shallow, horrifying, where I will die alone with no friends just by picking the wrong route. Highly exaggerated obviously. But a legitimate fear. I know it's not so black and white. One way isn't amazing and one way isn't crappy but I just never know which will make me happier which is part of the problem.

So these are my interests and dilemmas: I want to do a job that contributes something to the world. I want to wholeheartedly throw myself into something. I want a job that I care to go to every day and that will enlighten me. I want to be able to travel and help people and learn and volunteer. But on the other side, I'm a raging consumerist. Every time I get a paycheque of any kind I can barely let the cash cool in my bank account before I'm rushing out the door to pick up the newest pair of boots I saw in Vogue. (Okay so not the exact pair but something similar in my price range.) What is wrong with me? Shouldn't I either be a hippie-loving, Birkenstock wearing, hemp clothed NGO do-gooder or a gladiator sandal-wearing, credit card swiping fashionista? Why do I have such weird and conflicting interests?

It's not normal. And it makes a career path confusing as hell.

But what I have learned is that everything happens for a reason. Back in the day when I was killing myself to get into magazines I had a series of interviews with a big Toronto fashion magazine. Now in the long term they were totally unprofessional towards me but I was conflicted because I was debating between them and a stuffy well-paying corporate job. In the long term, the stuffy job may have gotten me farther in life and I used that time to save money to travel the world, meet a great guy who was exactly what I needed and have a really awesome summer. So I know that happened for a reason. Sometimes it's just really hard to see.... Oh perspective. I guess that's why they call you perspective.

posted by Kate @ 6:32 AM