Yeah I know, negative nelly is my name
I don't know how I'm going to survive another 11 months here. Oh my God is it that long? It's not that the program itself is all that bad, a little redundant to say the least, but not horrible. It's just the feeling of being trapped back in this city again. Yes, huge cidiot snob, but it's not even just London, it's this whole country. I've already spent 4 years of my short life in this town that I mostly hate. It can be really fun- great bars, university lifestyle, favourite post-bar foods- but then there is always that horribly suffocating feeling that it's all closing in on you and you can only walk the same block over and over again being plagued by things you thought you'd left behind.
I'm so dramatic, I know. Maybe this is why I'm more than a little determined to leave behind everything familiar. I want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone and I don't see a single thing that has any memory attached to it. I want to live somewhere where I experience something new every single day and something that makes me smile. I feel the same negative way about Toronto. People seem to think "wooow Toronto, big time" which I guess makes sense if you have lived in a small town your whole life but I feel like it's just a pretend New York or L.A. where everyone acts like they are some indie trendy cosmopolitan drinker. I'm just not into it. I don't know what has happened to make me hate it here so much.
Maybe it's because every time I'm in Toronto I'm doing something really stressful. Like when I was in high school- wasn't a huge fan of private Catholic school, and when I worked downtown in the summers- not so relaxing. And I just feel like I go for a run through my neighbourhood and go back through this cycle of, wow I am doing the same thing over and over every single day.
When we landed again in Toronto after being in Italy I looked outside the plane and it was so bleak I was actually overcome. Granted the airport overlooks Mississauga so that isn't all that flattering, but seriously, it just make me want to cry. I'm just having a breakdown that I have to be here for so much longer. I just need to get out. Even though I did have a great weekend with old friends- maybe it's a case of the Mondays?
I have three weeks off in August so I must escape at some point. Vegas? the real London? British Columbia? Who knows, but I will be okay. oyyyy. Look how big the world is and how small a part of it I'm trapped in?!
posted by Kate @ 5:02 PM
3 Comments:
hey kate!
I just found your blog through brian's and thought I would give it a read.
I didn't know you were back in london!! but i guess after travelling and seeing the world, i totally understand your sentiments... :)
i am at home for another week but starting june 3rd will be back in london, so maybe we should get together for a drink/coffee!
hope all is well,
what program you taking?
katers! dude.. i can relate, sometimes i feel that way about the prospect of being home with nothing new on my plate. so what did i do? i applied to the university of London, haha. i meet with the professors of the health masters programs there and went well... so yeah definitely come to london, or better yet to BC, as i will be home either way by august 20th. the beach taht i stay at can revitalize anyone that comes...
i miss yah rasta sista and hope schools treating you well... but i can totally see how london onterrible is infested with old memories, but as easier as it is said than done... make new memories for each place, sometimes that helps!
cheers dude! miss yah!
Aw, London ain't so bad, is it?
I know what you mean though... lately I've had that "trapped" feeling but I don't think it's so geographical as it is cyclical... stuck in the work-school-commute rhythm and where's the social life? Also feeling very drained. But hey, that's my rant.
From a small town girl herself, I do think of TO as big and cool but I'm sure it's always a case of "the grass is always greener"... where ever you have work or general life commitments, you're always going to have an urge to escape. The thing is, we can't go through life always seeking an escape.
Carpe Diem!!! You're a grad student, and only one year to be one. It's amazing if you think about it. Sometimes I have to tell myself this too.
Peace! :)
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