A fine mess of contradictions

Ohhh Ontario...

Ontario, Canada. How I have come to hate you, and yet every time I really do, you suck me back in.

So I've been frustrated obviously at being stuck in the same spot for so long. I felt really suffocated in undergrad and was thrilled when I graduated to escape off to Dublin for a few months. But then inevitably I had to come back and then I spent the next 4 months planning my next escape.

So then I went away for a few months again.

But in the past few days I have realized why I used to love it here so much. I guess sometimes I feel like the only way to not feel trapped, bored, scared of the future, controlled by the past, is to run away. I know that people say this is no solution to anyone's problems, but I must say that I disagree. And I intend to prove that it is possible. More on this later...

The point issss: I love cottage country. What a revelation eh? But seriously. I spent a summer working up north and though there were tons of issues with that summer (crappy boyfriend, mean boss, bad working conditions, long and painful hours) I had one of the best summers of my life. And the reason for that was that no matter how bad of a day I was having, I woke up every morning to the most beautiful scenery. And this is a part of my theory that one's environment is really important to their mental health. Some think that I'm just a complainer (this is true) but when I have travelled to different places (strangely beautiful places) I have truly been much happier. And working up north proved this to me.

I worked on Georgian Bay and I grew to love it. It's a little too big for me, a little too deep and little too cold but it is truly lovely.

I would walk outside and look at the sunrise, the amazing bent trees made famous by the Group of Seven, and smell the sweet mixture of wood and water. That smell always brings me back to those mornings. I spent all day outside in the sun lifeguarding and watching the clouds and boats pass by. And I loved every minute of it. I loved the cold bite of the nighttime up there. I loved the sound of the cicadas that buzzed during the day and the crickets that tweeted all night. I loved the sound of the waves hitting rock, the boats buzzing along, and the creaks and groans of old wooden buildings.

These past few days have brought me back to that.

I've gone running, fended off giant horse flies, gone swimming in the cold seaweedy water, done yoga in the sun, gone kayaking, and watched the sunset from my boat. I've seen a muskrat, a small dying mouse, many strange bugs, my favourite toad who hides nearby, a red squirrel, a groundhog, and a crazy little chipmunk. I've read every newspaper, magazine and book I can get my hands on, and my brain actually has room to absorb it all!

All of these things made me remember why I loved this place so much when I was little. I used to hate travelling. My parents constantly remind me of this whenever I moan about how trapped I am and love suggesting places nearby that I could work in the future (ahem, nooo thank you, at least not for a long time.) But yeah, I just love it up there. I used to spend hours swimming, reading, and making clay sculptures out of the mud on the bottom of our old lake. We had a one bedroom cottage that we would rent for a few weeks that had bats and birds living in it but I loved that place more than anything. We were always running around barefoot and dirty and had competitions to see how far we could spit our watermelon seeds.

And even though I've seen a million sunsets up north, I still find them beautiful. And even though I've seen a million trees and a million bushes I still feel like a child in a fantasy inside the forest. And even though I've seen a million rocks I still like the way they are curved and crafted by the nature around them, and how the moss grows on them in pathways.

I guess it is easy to hate on Toronto and London but I forget that there are these places that I really used to love and still do that will always draw me home. They have their own beautiful aspects- Toronto has some awesome niches, but I forget these easily when I'm frustrated and rushing around. So I'll run away for a while but I'm guessing I'll be back. Eventually. Perhaps.

See? Even a clear pessimist can make something optimistic out of all their complaining.

posted by Kate @ 9:00 PM