A fine mess of contradictions

1/3 Master's...how 'bout that

Soooo, I'm done the first semester of my Master's degree. And to be quite honest I'm underwhelmed. I had a lot of extreme frustrations these past few months and they have really made me doubt my educational decisions. I think that getting into Ryerson's journalism program last week really threw me off because I was just getting into the work, and then all of a sudden I wasn't sure if I was in the right place anymore.

I think that I decided to do a Master's in journalism because I love writing. And yet I hated the first section of print more than anything. Like swearing, ranting, angry hatred of what they made writing become for me. I didn't enjoy writing anymore. It had become hokey and frustrating. But my faith was renewed when I started television and my profs were so amazing and experienced and excited about their jobs. Sure, we were still covering very local stories but they weren't so boring- they were challenging. Radio, something I had never thought I would enjoy, I absolutely loved. We were encouraged and got to do live broadcasts and I was able to write and read about international news and local news. I was able to focus on things I found interesting.


So this past week after making a really tough decision about whether this program was going to put me in the right direction I got kind of thrown for a loop. I didn't get into the only international reporting class available throughout the whole progam. It sounds totally stupid I agree, but I was trying to tell myself that this program was right for me and not getting into one of the only classes I truly wanted to take made me so upset. Crying in the bathroom, freaking out at the administration upset. What the hell am I doing this program for if I can't even get into a course that I want to take so badly? It is the only reason I am doing this program- not the course- but the fact that I want take my skills abroad.

When I got the text message in Ghana from my sister saying I got into my Master's at Western I was shocked. I was loving life there, writing like mad, re-thinking life all the time, and not sure if I was ready to be back in London, Ontario. But I hoped that a degree would further my academic love and help me to articulate the feelings I had and lead to some sort of future career.

And yet it has left me feeling discouraged rather than accomplished. I feel trapped and angry and my rageaholism is at an all-time high. I was happy this program was only a year so that I could try to do a Journalists for Human Rights program and go back to Africa. People think that living there is hard- and it is- but living there gave me something to smile about every single day. I would feel sick or be extremely hot and a child or a person would say something or do something that made me smile. And I don't have that right now. I feel upset and people ignore me. I feel angry and someone honks and cuts me off while driving. I'm trying not to be bitter but I'm just feeling really stuck. Hopefully this break will give me some perspective.

I really didn't realize how badly I wanted to do international journalism until people told me that I couldn't. When our print professors told us that we would be lucky to work at the St. Mary's Times I was like, what the hell? It made me angry. It made me more determined than ever. I know a degree means nothing and determination means everything. So I just have to keep on track, pull myself together, control my anger, and push forward and do what I want despite the fact that people or administration don't think I can or don't feel like letting me.

posted by Kate @ 7:43 PM